Husbands and wives, you want to be happy, right? In that spirit, I offer my thoughts on the kerfluffle unfolding in the Protestant blogosphere between those who call themselves “complementarians” and those who self-identify as “egalitarians.” And, what a spat it is, hot diggity, with plates broken over heads and much wailing and gnashing of teeth.
I will begin by stating what I understand to be the positions of complementarians and egalitarians, then conclude by offering the wonderfully clear and reasonable teaching of Pope John Paul II as a via media between the two poles.
In a Nutshell
As I understand the complementarian position, it affirms that there are inherent differences between women and men that are divinely ordained and, from these differences, arise masculine headship and feminine submission. This view seems to quite rankle the egalitarians, who characterize it as “patriarchal”, which they equate with “very very nasty.” I assume that complementarians based their view upon Scriptural passages like I Cor 11, as well as I Tim 2, and Ephesians 5. Complementarians, am I understanding your position correctly?
The egalitarians, from my reading, call for equality within marriage and the rejection of gender roles. It sounds like they subscribe to the second-wave feminist philosophy, which rejects any difference between men and women that is not strictly physical. I infer from the use of the terms “equality” and “gender roles” that egalitarians resent traditional divisions of labor in the household. I assume that egalitarians base their views upon verses like I Cor 7:14, Gal 3:28, and Gal 5:1 Egalitarians, am I understanding your position correctly?
What I See
Complementarians, I hear you. You want to stand firm against those who dismiss God’s wondrous design in men and women; you want to affirm that there is a rich harmony that only becomes possible when we live fully our masculinity and femininity. However, it sounds to me that the complementarian position promotes male domination in such a way that female dignity is undermined. The fact that verbs like “conquer and colonize” were used to describe a man’s relations to his wife, even though meant in a poetic fashion, makes the complementarian view sound like that of a big, hairy bully. This harsh tone to male-female relations is not worthy of you, fellow Christians, and I want to present to you a more perfect way. More on that in a minute.
Egalitarians, I hear you, too. You want to come out from under the shadow of a history in which women were often hurt in the name of religion and male superiority. You want to thrive in relationships that affirm the mutual dignity of men and women. However, it sounds like your use of the term “equality” really means androgynous homogeneity, where there is nothing inherently masculine about men and feminine about women. The freedom from gender roles to which you aspire sounds like an uneasy truce between the sexes, rather than a shared life of rich communion. This resentful tone toward authority and harping upon the hurts you have received is not worthy of you, friends in Christ, and I want to offer you a way of peace. More on that now.
The Better Way
My wonderful husband holding our son, Edmund; he reflects on authority in marriage in this blog post.
Pope John Paul II gave a series of talks from 1979 to 1984 that have been compiled into what is known as the Theology of the Body. These talks are, well, a little dense and incredibly wonderful, and the theology in them will knock your socks off; basically, Pope John Paul offers a complete anthropology of the human person and, through it, a path to fullness of life and blessed peace. My comments here are distilled from his thought, and I definitely encourage you to let this be the beginning of your introduction to his incredible insights into God’s plan for human life and love.
As for the current hullabaloo, please allow me to offer the Catholic understanding of what one blogger called “the male experience of sexuality that sets it apart from the female”, as well as God’s plan for marital relations revealed in Sacred Scripture. Okay, let’s go.
Pope John Paul II taught that a man initiates the gift of self and that the woman welcomes the gift and from it, gives life (we are not necessarily speaking of babies here; new life that can be spiritual, as well). The man is called by God to protect the gift, to lay down his life for his bride in imitation of Christ, who offered himself as an oblation for His Bride, the Church. The woman is not a passive recipient; she is an active welcoming party who nurtures and protects the gift, but even here, our words are limited because, in another sense, the man and woman offer themselves to each other in such a way that their gifts flow in mutual self-donation.
It seems to me that verbs like this (i.e. “initiate, sacrifice, protect”) are more fitting for for married love than ones like “penetrate, conquer, and colonize”. The latter words imply a certain violence to the receiver, rather that a beneficent laying down of one’s life for another.
How, then, does this masculine duty to initiate, protect and sacrifice correspond with the words of St. Paul regarding wifely subordination? Certainly it seems like Sacred Scripture supports masculine domination, doesn’t it? But, if husbands are to lead their wives and be in headship over them, let’s define those words in terms of Christ’s example. Christ led His Bride through serving Her, through washing feet and feeding hungry and dying to set us free. That is the sort of power that Christian husbands ought to have, power to sacrifice for their families, to guard them and lead them in holiness.
And, how does a wife submit to her husband in this model of married love? Through welcoming the gift, through appreciating and affirming her husband as he gives his life for her. That is the sort of subordination that Christian wives practice, to sit under the waterfall of love outpoured on their behalf and to bless their husbands in return.
There is so much more to say and I heartily encourage you to delve into the treasury of Pope John Paul II’s thought. Below is a list of some especially awesome works, for those who are interested. Blessings to you, dear friends, and peace and all grace.
Pope John Paul II: Love and Responsibility (wherein he exhorts men to bring their wives to climax first–this is no boring bluehair Pope), Theology of the Body, On the Dignity of Woman, Letter to Women (please, please, please, read; it’s only 7 pages!), The Church at the Service of the Family
For those who are a little less philosophically inclined: Men, Women, and the Mystery of Love (I know, we Catholics are not big on flashy titles–that’s why we need all you Protestants to become Catholic, so that you can share your media savvy with us), The Theology of the Body for Beginners, Good News About Sex and Marriage (Holy Toledo, this is good stuff!)
Im using a different name than I use on most blog comments to allow anonymity so that I can be frank & honest. As a person who has been married to her 1st and only husband for nearly 26 years, I cant even get past the title of the post “Happy Wives, Happy Husbands”…I am a happy gal and my husband suffers from chronic depression….he was a quiet “still waters run deep” fellow while dating but the magnitude of his depression didnt manifest for a while.
I have seen wonderful, happy, pleasant, cooperative wives with miserable cranky, impossible husbands and women who were shrews and drunks who had husbands who treated them like gold. In the long run, we dont have anywhere near the degree of control over any of this as we would like to delude ourselves into thinking we have.
You can argue the above 2 theories till we turn blue, but I was as a supportive, loving, kind, submissive-yet-independant, faithful, fit, respectful wife who kept a nice house, was good with money, worked part time (good pay), moved for his job, never brought shame on him who read every “how to be a good Christian wife and keep your husband happy” book I could and I never ever took my husband for granted and none of it prevented the disasters that have nearly ended our marriage.
You CAN make him miserable but you CAN’T make him happy – his relationship with himself – how he reacts to the world in his own brain will effect life much more than his circumstances.
You can do everything right and still not get the outcome you hope for, but its still worth trying..pray for him everyday, do your best, but let go of your “control” its not real.
Dear dear sister, how much pain you have had. I am so sorry for the suffering you have had in your marriage, even as it has also been a source of blessing and joy. Please let me assure you that the title, “Happy Husbands, Happy Lives”, nor the blog post itself, were meant to make promises about how we control our husbands, nor how we make them happy.
Rather, by using the word “happy”, I refer to the fact that we can only be happy when we follow God’s plan for marriage, (husbands lay down their lives for their brides, wives “submit” to the blessing), which is that expressed through our Catholic faith. I am not promising happiness in marriage but only offering the right recipe for marital love according to Sacred Scripture.
Your husband’s illness is not your fault, nor is it possible for you to fix him. As with marriages in which one spouse is ill (mental, physical, emotional), you need to take time away for the Sacraments and personal fun, so that you can recharge in order to love him. Because it is not up to you to make him better, all you can do is ensure that you are filled with grace and at peace.
As you say, we can make our husbands miserable.
It sounds like you are a very loving wife who has offered her gift of self faithfully, even when times were really tough. That must please Our Lord very much, but I know that He does not want you to become bitter because marriage has not been easy. This is not God’s fault. This is not your fault. But, as you know, you have a choice. You can choose to offer your sorrow and frustration as a prayer for your husband, or you can let it make you angry. Please consider reading my blog post, “Your Sorrow Is Your Sword”, as well as the fabulous book, “Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence”– http://www.amazon.com/Trustful-Surrender-Divine-Providence-Happiness/dp/0895552167/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342836541&sr=8-1&keywords=total+surrender+to+divine+providence
Peace to you, dear lady, and all grace.
I looked for the sorrow is your sword post and didnt find it..could you link it to a reply please? I will look for that book too.
Yes, I really expected marriage to be a blessing and it has been much more of a cross than I ever imagined. He has treated me as a burden from day one. I just learned a few months ago that his dad was in love with a woman he proposed to and was not allowed to marry his intended because of bigotry. He married my mother-in-law on the rebound, but he always treated her as a bad consolation prize…and that is what my husband learned of marriage as a young boy.
I am not perfect, but I have strived to be a really good wife. I have suffered verbal abuse, rage, infidelity, he moved 3000 miles away once (and a few weeks ago told me he might do it again). When I read blogs like this where husbands actually speak openly of valuing marriage, it is a totally foreign concept to me.
Okay, here is the link to “Your Sorrow Is Your Sword”. Also, have you heard of the Alexander House? The Alexanders have an amazing ministry for married couples who are hurting: http://www.thealexanderhouse.org/.
I hope this helps, dear lady.
Hi Catherine,
Thank you for your post.
My wife and I will be celebrating our 30th Anniversary at the end of July. It
certainly has been a beautiful gift from God, having chosen us to be one, from all
eternity. He has blessed us with terrific children and grand-children, He has
been with us every day of our marriage by keeping His promise of His special graces conferred in the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Twenty-one years ago, my beautiful bride was struck down with viral
encephalitis that ravaged her brain, leaving her with total amnesia, recurrent
seizures, and a host of other problems that surfaced later. At that point I
began the awesome task of love by caring for her 24/7.
One day, when she was in the throngs of a very painful seizure (she
would get massive muscle contractions) I asked Jesus to give me her pain even
though I was a coward with pain. He answered by saying, ‘What you just asked of
Me, I did for you on the Cross.” That is what it is all about — to be truly an
image of the Triune God — we must sacrifice totally to our spouse, whether or not
they reciprocate our love or sacrifice — just like Jesus did for us on the Cross. We
must do this for our spouse and for others. That’s what love is about – sacrifice in
love for one another.
Happy wife, happy husband? You betcha! — I wouldn’t give up a second of our
precious, sacred time with one another.
Poor? You betcha! — but we feel so rich in His love and grace.
“Love the truth, show yourself as you are, without pretence or fear, and without ceremony. And if the truth causes you persecution, accept it. If it causes you some torment, bear it. And if, for the sake of truth, you should sacrifice yourself and your life, be strong in your sacrifice.” [St. Doctor Joseph Moscati, 'Doctor of the Poor']
Blessed man, how humbled I am that you have shared your amazing story with me. What a beautiful and holy example of true love for your bride. Thanks be to God for men like you, who remind women what we truly deserve.
I was raised Protestant (Baptist to be exact), was agnostic for about a decade. and became Catholic this Easter. One of the things about Protestantism that confused me was the extreme difference in positions on women between the denominations. I was reading a lot and ran across the complementarians, which have the same view as the Baptists. It was exactly as you described, plus they support male headship because of the belief in male moral superiority (there may be some complementarians who don’t believe that, but it certainly appears that the majority of them do.) Women are helpless, easily led to the dark side, and need a man more intelligent than them to tell them what to do. Focus on the Family, CBMW, various evangelical fiction publications (regular woman becomes wayward, righteous husband leads her back to the right path)…
Then there were the egalitarians, and while they had some necessary corrections to complementarians, they were too far in the other direction.
Growing up, I had always loved the rituals in Catholicism that is considered idolatry or irrelevant by Baptists, and that was one thing that eventually led me to the church. But as I got older, the other thing was Catholicism’s view of women actually does seem to value women but is also traditional. It seems to have the complete picture. The priest who taught RCIA certainly wasn’t a feminist–very, very far from it–but he noted various Catholic teachings that I had never heard or read or was always de-emphasized by complementarians (Jesus choosing to reveal himself to women first (at least according to one of the Gospels), a term of reverance used for Mary, that woman’s role as “helpmate” is similar in a sense to God’s role as “helper” (but of course, a husband has a Christ-like role in marriage), that God/God’s messenger went straight to Mary, not Joseph, to ask her if she would carry Jesus, that Jesus performed the wine miracle because Mary asked him to, etc.) I got the sense that Catholic teaching doesn’t view women as either morally superior or inferior to men. It’s a relief from the tiring gender wars, which have gotten very boring.
Well, I could go on, but I’ll end now…